by Nominal Parenting
While scrolling my Instagram feed I came upon a post that made me cry. It might be because I’m on my period, but it struck a chord. The post was about how being a mom is impossible because there are so many double standards. There was something about the honesty of the post that hit me where it hurts the most. The cheesy part about healing. Yeah. Embarrassing.
I started looking at their recent posts and there was another one that hit me right in the feels. It was a post specifically geared to people being asked the question “are you planning to have more kids?” The post was about how that question can be painful for people in a lot of different ways. It is painful for me as well. I both want to have another baby and don’t ever want to be pregnant again. I’ve looked at adoption, but that scares me too. Surrogacy is out of the question for my husband. He thinks it is unethical.
Logically I know that being pregnant and that first year or so of my son’s life were the worst years of my life to date. Like deep-dark-suicide-watch level worst. Yet, I want a cute little baby to snuggle. I’ve reached out to friends about their experiences. I recently learned that my friends were well aware of how bad it was for me. They were at one point talking to my husband to see if I needed to get some professional help. Or take a spontaneous trip to get a break. They certainly have not had the same experience.
And of course I have an easy baby. It makes me feel bad (somehow) that I had a hard time. Like it wasn’t justified that I was in such a bad state. And I think that is why that first post hit me so hard. That no matter how “good” or “bad” you have it. No matter what kind of experience you go through. You’re not allowed to feel OK about how you are feeling. The post was right on.
You can’t ask for too much help, but you can’t do it all yourself. You have to bounce back, but accept your new body. And God forbid you keep your job after having a kid and have the nerve to care about your career.
I tried the stay at home mom thing, and I wanted to (literally) kill myself. It’s insane what parents are mentally put through. You can’t win, and you can’t do it all. But if you say “fuck it” and accept that society has it wrong then you’re still the problem. The emotional torment of parenthood makes me want to go back and never have a kid.
Besides, the state of the USA and the world makes me want to go back and never have a kid. I know how that sounds, and if he ever reads this I hope he understands that it is NOT him that I don’t want. Now on the other side of the story, my son has nothing to do with my regret.
I don’t want the title of parent. I don’t want the badge of mom. I don’t want the trauma of birth. I don’t want the unsolicited advice from EVERYONE! I don’t want the constant state of fear, over stimulation, and exhaustion. And yet without all those things, you wouldn’t be a parent. You’d just have a biological child out in the world.
So, how can I continue to deprogram myself? Let’s go through this reset together.