How to Stop Optimizing Your Kids’ Future and Increase Your Happiness

I volunteer with the Girl Scouts doing STEM activities. Sharing my knowledge with the next generation is very fulfilling. The worst part of the work is the adults that I interact with. They are extremely competitive and sign their kid up for every STEM event that we create regardless of the girl’s interests. Then they email me asking for all sorts of accommodations. For example, I have received requests to expand capacity to allow other girls in their troop. There are always the odd food requests which are unrelated to allergies. I even had a parent ask that I move the time of the event just for their child. It was a 30 person event by the way.

Through the 6 years I have volunteered it has become clear that the parents try to optimize their child’s life. While it is understandable why parents do this, I hope I don’t turn into one of these parents. If they want their kids to go to college, they do have to be extraordinary. It is competitive, and you have to throw some elbows to advocate for your child in this world. That being said, it seems like a miserable existence for all of you.

In one of my previous blog posts, I talk about how to stop worrying about every little decision surrounding your child. If you haven’t read it, there are some relevant recommendations on that post. Here is what I will be doing…

Be Realistic About Your Child’s Abilities

While I want to support my kid’s interests and expose them to new experiences, I’m not going to pour a large amount of resources into their activities. Because, the truth is, your kid is average. It hurts to hear, and it hurts to admit, but that is the truth. And, even if they are above average in a certain area–academics, sports, fine arts– what are the chances they are going to get scholarships in those fields?

Additionally, what are the chances they are going to get scholarships in multiple of those fields? Unless you have a Michael Jordan on your hands, let’s be realistic. There is a fine balance between pushing your kid to be the best and making sure they have fun.

If they are passionate about what they are doing, encourage it. If you have the resources to go that extra mile in that passion, do it. Also, you know your kid. And you know if they are going to have a new flavor of the week in a couple of months. Repeat after me:

"I am not a bad parent, if my kid doesn't get to do everything."
"... if my kid misses out on certain experiences."
"... if my kid isn't the best at everything."

Now, if you don’t understand how averages work, that is OK. Just know that it is not a bad thing to be average.

Let’s Talk About the Cost

While there is a literal cost to participating in all these activities, there is also non-monetary costs. For example, I already mentioned the mental load. There is the physical aspect of both your child and you. Did you know over scheduling can increase stress in your kid? They may enjoy the activity when they are there, but if is a lot to keep up with for them and you. This stress has an interesting impact on their physical health. It then can spiral if sleep is impacted. Sleep is insanely important to every function in your body, and in particular a growing body.

You have to ask yourself what your willing to “pay”. It is easy to say you’re willing to pay anything for your child, and though that is probably true, it is also your role to be reasonable.

Handling the FOMO

When it comes to feeling like you or your child are missing out, there are a couple of things you could try. Depending on the age of your kid, they won’t realize they are missing out, so you have that working in your favor. What I’ve done is think back on my own childhood experiences, which can be painful at times. But I do recognize that not everything my parents did was wrong. When thinking back on the positive experiences, the fun experiences, or the adventures I ended up on, I rarely remember the times I didn’t get to do something.

A few other things that you can trial:

• Limit yourself to 1 to 2 activities per kid: you could pick 1 activity that moves the body and 1 activity that challenges the mind.
• Limit the time commitment: If you signed up for a team sport, commit to the season and nothing else. Or you could give the new interest a 3-4 month trial before investing more time or money.
• Schedule rest days: If your kid thrives in structure, you can help them learn that rest is not earned by scheduling down-time. This is a tried and true method for us overly-anxious folks in therapy.
• Review and reassess regularly: Like your finances it is worth checking in with your child regularly and ask if they still want to continue.

Find your “Why”

Finally, ask yourself why you feel the need to involve your child in all of these activities. Is it for them, is it to brag to your friends, or is it to meet some unrealistic parenting status again?

That’s why you click here right? To deprogram yourself from trying to meet those parenting expectations put on us. There are a lot of reasons to try to meet your kids needs, and if you are getting up at 4am for swim practice, and staying up until 11pm helping them with their homework, you’re a good parent. You should know that and not feel like you’re not meeting someone’s expectations. So take a step back and ask yourself why are we piling on the extra-curriculars when you could dial it back and still feel the sense of achievement?

How do you find your why? Have you found a method that works? Share below!

Want more? Subscribe and get a FREE .PDF with a list of ideas you can try from the “How to Become a Fun Parent” Blog Post!